It's the Pomegranates' Fault!
by Reynutocx
Summary: Crackfic where Harry thinks pomegranates are stalking him.
1. I couldn't do my homework because

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs to J. k. Rowling (aka my favorite author ever). I don't even own the original concept. It's my sister, Sam's, but she doesn't have an account and gave her blessing (I think. Is that a thing with fanfics?), so I can still totally write this.**

 **AN: Harry is extremely OoC here. This is just for fun, so please, enjoy it!**

Harry didn't want to stay after potions class. He didn't want to be late to lunch. He certainly didn't want to talk to Snape, but that was what he was doing anyway.

"This is just my luck," he grumbled as he stood in front of the teacher's desk.

"Mr. Potter," Professor Snape said sweeping over to harry like a huge overgrown bat. He was definitely enjoying this way too much. "Do you remember the assignment I gave you last week?"

Harry frowned and racked his brains. "The one on slow acting venoms?"

"Sir." Snape corrected. Harry sighed. Why did he always have to do that?

"Do you remember the length requirement, Mr. Potter?"

"That was, like, a week ago. I don't remember," said Harry. He had much bigger things on his mind at the moment.

"I specifically asked for two feet," said Snape silkily. "And you know how long your essay was, Mr. Potter?" he said his voice rising.

Harry shrugged. Was this going to take much longer? He was expecting a delivery today and wanted to check the owlery.

"Six inches, Potter," Snape said. "That's how long your essay was."

"Hey, that wasn't my fault!" Harry protested. "Blame the pomegranates!"

Professor Snape blinked. "The pomegranates?"

"Yes! The pomegranates!" Harry shouted. Why wasn't Snape getting this? "They want to sabotage my dream of taking over the world via air sucking tree powered by hot dogs. They have it out for me. Sometimes I turn around in the hall and there's no one there," Harry narrowed his eyes behind his glasses and leaned in closer "but I know a pomegranate was just there a minute ago."

Snape seemed to be at a loss for words. Harry didn't mind though. It gave him the chance to continue.

"But you know what's worse?" he asked deadly seriously. "When I turn around and there's a pomegranate there! Sometimes they make little stacks out of themselves and all stare at me with their beady, little eyes!"

"Mr. Potter, are you feeling alright?" asked Snape.

"Oh, don't worry." Harry continued. "I'm taking precautions. Like fruit juicers! And blenders. And hungry children of Hades, although I've only got one so far…" Harry trailed off for a second. "Oh, and salt," he added.

"Salt?"

"In case the pomegranates are possessed by demons." Harry simply stated. Why didn't Professor Snape know any of this; he really wasn't a very good teacher.

"Naturally,"

"Yeah, I've got a food processor right here now." Said Harry pulling the kitchen appliance out of his bag. "You see, the pomegranates know I need to get a good job in order to pay Gollum the money he needs. Without him, my income of hot dogs will ceases to exist and, and I've already stated, my air sucking tree needs them to run smoothly. So those sneaky pomegranates are distracting me so I get bad grades and can't get a good job!"

The look on Snape's face was somewhere along the lines of "There are so many thing wrong with your statement I'm having trouble picking out one of them to bring up."

"Didn't Gollum fall into Mount Doom?" Snape finally asked.

Harry smiled. "You know I thought that at first, but now I think Mount Doom must just be some sort of portal into another dimension."

"I see," Snape said. "And this air sucking tree? What's that?"

"I'm glad you're so interested! Every time I try to explain it to Ron, he thinks I'm mental and Hermione tries to defile my argument with logic and reason." Harry made a face. "I'm a believer that the earth is really filled with hot air, like a beach ball, and that if my tree suck enough of it up, the world will implode." Harry explained happily.

"That's not even a little bit true,"

Harry gasped and pointed a finger accusingly at Snape. "Don't mock my religion!"

"What's your religion?"

"Tolkienism!"

"That's not a religion," Professor Snape stated.

"Yes it is! I just doesn't have many followers and it's not officially recognized."

"Potter, that's called a cult."

Harry pointed, again, dramatically at Snape. "Don't mock my cult!"

Snape seemed to be at a loss for words yet again.

"One of these days I'm going to catch a pomegranate though," Harry looped back. "I'll get it to talk and find out what make them all hate me so much. I'll juice it dry!" he made squeezing motions with his hands "I'll feast on its juicy, red, flesh. Then I'll make a pomegranate smoothie and the next time I see then stalking me, I'll drink it in front of the sneaky little Punicaceales as a warning. Then they'll know not to mess with me anymore!" Harry's eyes flashed as he finished his warning.

"I don't know what do," said Snape. "So I'm just going to give you a detention. Go clean something with Filch."

"Fine!" Harry shouted as he made his way towards the door. "But don't blame me when there's pomegranate juice all over it! It's the pomegranates' fault, not mine! Remember that!"

He slammed the door behind him and set out toward the great hall. Ron was probably done checking for pomegranates by now. He sighed. It was hard to be the boy who lived/the chosen one/whatever they were calling him these days. No one seemed to know the way things really were but him.


	2. Trying to gain trust

**AN: Hey guy! This was going to be a one shot, but…I just enjoy writing it too much. I hope you like it as much as I do.**

Harry met Ron at the entrance to the great hall. Ron was leaning against one of the pillars looking annoyed.

"Well?" Harry asked.

Ron sighed. "No, there are no pomegranates. You're good."

Harry narrowed his eyes. "Are you sure?" he asked suspiciously.

"Yes!"

Ron looked annoyed, but Harry knew it was necessary. The pomegranates would destroy him if he wasn't careful.

He entered the great hall and sat down in his usual seat. Hermione watched him as he set his food processor on the table, just in case, and began eating lunch. Ron sat next to him.

"He's still doing it?" Hermione asked.

Ron nodded.

Harry wasn't too interested in their conversation. He was too busy making sure no one was watching him. He glared at a confused first year and pushed a couple buttons on his food processor just in case the kid was a pomegranate. There was no reaction.

"Malfoy knows," he said suddenly interrupting his friends' conversation. "He know about the pomegranates."

Ron looked up. "Yeah, I think most of the school knows about it by now."

"You're not exactly subtle, Harry," Hermione added. "You made a public announcement about how evil all pomegranates were yesterday."

"No, he's working with them," said Harry standing up.

Malfoy was talking animatedly to his cronies when Harry approached him. The smug expression on his face abruptly melted when he saw Harry.

"What do you want, Potter?" he said coldly.

"Why are you working with them?" Harry accused.

Malfoy smirked. "Isn't it obvious? The Dark Lord and his loyal servants are going to take over anyway. It's best to be on their side. Wouldn't you agree?"

"No, no, no!" Harry shouted. Malfoy was deliberately misunderstanding. "Not Voldemort! Practically everyone knows that already. You really don't do a good job of hiding it. I'm talking about the pomegranates."

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "Not this again. Potter, I don't have time for your stupidity. Go hang out with that Weasley and your stupid mudblood girlfriend."

Harry slammed his fist down on the table. "I know you know! Stop protecting them. What did they offer you? Hair gel? A new broom? Your dignity? Tell me."

This was imperative. If he could get a double agent, he could find out all of the pomegranates plots before they happened, he could finally catch one and learn the truth.

"You're delusional. Go away."

"Ok, ok, I get it," Harry said. "You don't trust me. I understand. We haven't had the best track record."

"Yeah, if by that, you mean you almost killed me."

"I never did that,"

"Yes you have! Lots of times!"

Harry held up his hands. "Never the less, that's all water under the bridge. Let's be friends."

Harry smiled expectantly. He needed this. He needed Malfoy to trust him. That way he'd divulge all the information he had about the pomegranates. No way Malfoy could refuse him. Everyone loved him. He was the boy who lived. He's saved Hogwarts countless times. He was a hero. He even had a fan club. It only had five members: Colin Creevey, Ginny, some girl named Romilda Vane, and Fred and George Weasley. The last two only went to troll the others, but it still counted.

"Are you kidding me? No," Malfoy said. "I don't like you. At all. Now get out of here."

Harry ignored him and sat down at the Slytherin table.

"I'm sure we have a common interest," he said confidently. "Besides the pomegranates that is. But don't worry; you don't have to tell me anything."

Malfoy looked seriously annoyed. "Get out of here," he said between gritted teeth. "I don't want to talk to you, especially since you're mental now."

Harry was still deep in thought. Suddenly he smiled and snapped his fingers. "I got it! Voldemort! We can talk about him!"

Malfoy groaned and buried his face in his arms. "No," came the muffled reply. "Why does the world hate me?"

Harry leaned in closer and poked Malfoy's head resulting in his hand getting roughly smacked away. Malfoy glared at Harry but didn't say anything.

"Did you know that Voldemort's name means "Flight of Death" in French?" Harry asked. "He got really lucky with his anagram."

"I don't care."

"But you know the really tragic thing?" Harry continued ignoring Malfoy's comment. "It's pronounced Vol-day-more. Not Vol-da-mort. There's no "t" at all. The French just love using extra letters when they write. And all of us stupid English speaking people keep pronouncing it wrong! It's the thing I hate most about him. Not that he tried to take over and killed my parents; it that he can't just tell everyone they're pronouncing his name wrong!"

Malfoy sighed. "Why don't you write him angry fan mail then?"

Harry's face light up at the sound of that. "That's a great idea! See we're really friends now." he paused for a second. "So what do you know about the pomegranates?"

"For the last time! I'm not working with pomegranates or any other kind of fruit! Now get out of here before I hex you!" Malfoy shouted.

"Fine," Harry said standing up. Malfoy was clearly a hard nut to crack. He'd have to try again later.

Harry walked back over the Gryffindor table. Ron had his face hidden in his hands and Hermione suddenly seemed very interested in her book.

Harry picked up his food processor and held it close. He's been very scared without it. From now on, he was taking it with him everywhere with him. His momentary lapse of judgment had been the perfect opportunity for the pomegranates to kidnap him.

Harry pulled out a quill and a piece of parchment out of his bag and began scribbling.

Ron looked over his shoulder as he wrote. "What are you doing now?" he asked.

"Something I should have done a long time ago,"

"Getting psychiatric help?" Hermione asked hopefully.

Harry shook his head. "Something more important."

The following week Voldemort received a letter.

 _Dear Voldemort,_

 _I am writing to you about a pressing issue that has been bothering me for several years now. It concerns your name. I know that "Voldemort" is just an alias, but I bothers me that everyone mispronounces it. As we both know, the "t" in your name is silent, but the general masses don't seem to have grasped this concept. If you could just make a public announcement to clear this up, I would be very much appreciative. Thank you for your time._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Harry Potter_

After reading the letter, Voldemort stared at it for a few minutes. Had Harry Potter really just written him a letter regarding his name of all things? How had he know where to find him? What the hell did this all mean? Had everyone been pronouncing his name wrong for years? He hadn't noticed what with tying to take over the world and all. After consideration, Voldemort decided that the child was either taunting him, or had finally snapped and become completely insane.


	3. Offer up your beating heart

"Where are you going, Harry?" Hermione asked when Harry tried to leave out of the portrait in Gryffindor tower that night.

"I have detention from Umbridge, remember?" Harry asked.

"You have so many detentions now that even I can't keep track of them all," was Hermione's answer.

Harry nodded. That made sense. Maybe Hermione had something important taking up most of her time too.

Harry walked down the corridors with his food processor in hand. He knew he could take down at least two pomegranates with it at a time. He just hoped that they weren't planning an all-out attack.

He was rather on edge by the time he knocked on Umbridge's office door. She opened the door with a falsely cheer smile. "Mr. Potter. It's so great to so see you could make it."

Harry didn't have time for this. He didn't like Umbridge and wasn't going to waste time being polite. He was pretty sure that she was either working with the pomegranates, that would explain why she kept giving him detention; she was keeping him for his studies, or that she, herself, was just a bunch of pomegranates stuck together.

Then again, she could be a toad. Or a frog. Wait! Could she be _The Frog_? A few days ago, Harry had taken half a kilo of salami from the Great Hall to try to catch the giant squid in the Black Lake, because he was convinced it had initial on the pomegranates. He'd put some of it on a fishing line, threw it out into the water, and settled down to wait. After about five minutes, Harry had gotten bored and pulled his line in only to find his line empty.

Now it was possible that the salami had just fallen off of his hook, but Harry thought it was much more likely that something had taken it. He scanned the lake until his eyes fell on to a frog sitting on a log about a meter away from him. It looked very smug. Harry decided that it must have taken the salami, because why else would it look so smug?

That meant The Frog must be working with the pomegranates. Harry reasoned that it must have a network of spies in the castle as well. But why would The Frog work with the pomegranates? What could it get out of the deal? Was it the salami? That must be it. Not only were pomegranates out to sabotage his dream, now The Frog was after his salami!

Yes, Umbridge was The Frog. It just made sense. That just made Harry hate her more.

"Don't drug me this time," Harry said entering her office. "I don't like that."

Umbridge, of course denied she'd done any such thing, but she couldn't fool Harry. He saw things that no one else in the school did.

Umbridge gave him a piece of paper and a quill and told him to write "Pomegranates are not evil" until she said he could stop. Harry was confused. Wasn't the last time he was in here she made him write "I must not tell lies"? This seemed counterproductive to him. Also the last time he's done this, the words had become scared onto his hand. Harry didn't want the pomegranates to see him walking around with "Pomegranates are not evil" on his hand. That would show weakness.

Harry decided to write something else instead.

"Alright. You can stop, Mr. Potter," Umbridge said after a few hours. "Let's see what you've managed to do."

Harry smiled triumphantly. His hand hurt a lot and it was bleeding slightly, but he felt he's done well. He willing pushed his page closer to Umbridge so she could read it.

She looked at the page. It read:

OFFER UP YOUR BEATING HEART FOR THE GLORY OF MANKIND

OFFER UP YOUR BEATING HEART FOR THE GLORY OF MANKIND

OFFER UP YOUR BEATING HEART FOR THE GLORY OF MANKIND

OFFER UP YOUR BEATING HEART FOR THE GLORY OF MANKIND

The message continued down the rest of the page and onto the back as well.

"Mr. Potter. Why did you write this?" she asked horrified.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Because we should offer up our beating heats for the glory of mankind obviously."

Umbridge swallowed loudly. "You specially disobeyed me. You'll have to come back and do it correctly tomorrow night."

Harry laughed. This was ridiculous. Umbridge was in no position to request things of him. He knew her secrets. He'd had his fun, but no way was he going to the same thing twice in one week.

"No, I won't." he said menacingly. "You forget I know all about you. What you really do."

Umbridge smiled. "Yes, by all means, going running to Dumbledore. See if he believes you if he even is there. I wouldn't believe it if a student came to me and said a teacher was making them write in their own blood. It sounds crazy."

Harry smiled evilly. "That wasn't what I had in mind, Umbridge, or should I say The Frog! I'm going to expose you in front of the entire school and make you pay for all the salami you taken from me."

Umbriged seemed stunned for a moment, but then she laughed. "I stand corrected. No one will ever believe you. Ever. This is wonderful, Harry. Wait until the Prophet hears about this."

"But you're The Frog," Harry protested.

Umbridge leaned closer to him. "You know what, Potter? I am, but you'll never be able to prove it and no one will listen to you, because they all think you're mad. So run along now and think on that."

Harry was shocked. How could Umbridge be so heartless? "Wait!" he called as she shoved him out the door. "What do you know about the pomegranates? Tell me!"

Umbridge just leered at him. "No, I don't think I will. Goodnight, Mr. Potter."

With that, she slammed the door in his face. Harry was outraged, but then realized that he'd left his food processor in Umbridge's office. He gulped and turned to face the long walk back to Gryffindor tower without it.

He was going to make her pay for this.

Behind Harry, Umbridge sat in her desk pondering what had just happened. What had she just agreed to? And was it within her best interest to just go along with it?


	4. How not to solve world hunger

"Professor! My desk is gone."

Professor McGonagall frowned. This was the third desk missing from her classroom this week. She wondered where they were going. No one, not even the ghosts had seen anything. They just seemed to magically disappear, which, of course, was ridiculous. Who was stealing them and what were they doing with them?

A week after his detention with Umbridge, Harry was sitting in Charms class. Things seemed to going fine when he got a sudden pain in stomach. Harry clutched his stomach and tried to speak but no words would come out. This had to be the work of the pomegranates.

" _They've poisoned me!"_ Harry wanted to scream. _"See, you didn't listen to me, and now I'm dying! It's your fault!"_

All he managed to do was make some choking sounds and cough up blood. The pain in his stomach was getting worse. It was almost unbearable.

Harry tried to stand up, he had to warn the school, but his stomach felt like it was on fire, and Harry wound up doubling over. Ron and Hermione seemed to be talking frantically over him, but Harry couldn't hear them. The pain in his stomach made it impossible for him to concentrate and his vision was fuzzy. Harry tried to concentrate, but vision slowly turned to black.

Harry woke up in the hospital wing. He looked around to find that it was dusk and Ron and Hermione were sitting by his bed.

"What happened?" he asked sitting up.

The two turned at the sound of Harry's voice and their worried expressions changed to relive.

"You're ok!" Hermione said happily. "See I told he'd be fine, Ron."

"Yeah, physically," Ron said.

Harry frowned. They were questioning his mental state. They did that all the time now. Harry didn't like it. He was perfectly 100% sane. In fact, he saw things clearer than he ever did.

Harry coughed. His friends weren't paying attention to him and he hated that!

"You know what Madam Pomfrey found inside your stomach, Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Pork?" Harry asked. That's what he'd been eating lately. He wasn't sure why Hermione was asking. He decided that it was incredibly nosey and he wasn't going to be answering any more questions like it.

Ron shook his head. "Wood. She found wood in your stomach and all your intestines."

Harry was horrified. "Wood! I didn't eat Wood! I'm not a cannibal. Where would I even find him anyway? He graduated, like, a million years ago." Harry crossed his arms defensively. "You can't prove anything. The pomegranates must have set me up. I'm innocent, you hear?"

Ron looked slightly confused, but Hermione shook her head. "No, not Wood. Wood."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah, that really clears it up," he said sarcastically.

"Wood like as in trees. Not Oliver Wood."

"Ohhh," said Harry understanding dawning on him.

There was a brief silence.

"So," said Ron after a minute "You've been eating wood?"

"No," I said Harry completely confused. Hadn't he just said he'd been eating pork? Was Ron's memory that bad? How sad it must be for him.

"Remember the first day of transfiguration class?" Harry asked.

"Um, I can't remember last week's lesson let alone the first day ever," answered Ron.

"McGonagall turned her desk into a pig," said Hermione after a minute of thought.

Harry clapped his hands. "Exactly!" he exclaimed happily. He knew there was a reason he was friends with Hermione.

"You see," Harry continued "there are food crises everywhere and I was like "Hey we're wizards! Can't we just make food?" but that didn't work. I think some guy made a law about it or something. I was pretty upset, until I remembered that Professor McGonagall was always transfiguring animals out of stuff. Animals are just food, so I tried that and it worked! I had a real live pig! Of course, I had to kill it then. That wasn't fun, but the house elves didn't even ask any questions when I asked them to wash my bloody clothes. Then I cooked my pig in the Gryffindor common room at night."

Ron looked like he was going to puke. "I thought it smelled bad in there a few days ago. That was because you were-"

"-cooking a pig, yes." Harry cut in. "Now let me finish. Thank you. I tied to feed some of it to the hungry son of Hades I've got tied up in my room, but he said and I quote "I'd rather starve than eat anything you give me, you raging lunatic. Just wait until my friends find out I'm gone. They'll kill you."" Harry shook his head sadly. "What a jerk."

Hermione frowned. "You've kidnapped some one?"

"He's a precaution for the pomegranates!" Harry defended. "Anyway, it is not of import."

Hermione looked as if she was going get up, but Ron stopped her and whispered something into her ear. Harry narrowed his eyes trying to make it out, but the only thing he heard was "could kill us and get away with it if he wanted." Harry wondered who Ron was talking about. He'd have to investigate it later.

"So," said Harry loudly. They were ignoring him again. "I've been eating it instead. It must have turned back to wood in my stomach. I wonder why."

Harry looked expectantly at his friends, but they seemed to have no answers for him. His face fell and he frowned. "I thought I could solve world hunger," he said sadly.

Ron looked at Hermione as if he didn't know what to do. She shook her head and put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Harry."

Harry nodded, but he didn't feel like smiling. "I would have gained so much money and respect from it. Then I wouldn't have to worry about getting a good job so I could pay Gollum. It looks like the pomegranates won this one, but I'll be back." He lifted his head and glared around the room. "You hear that!" he screamed in the empty ward. "I'll be back!"

Hermione left Harry's side and stood next to Ron. She seemed to asking a silent question. Ron nodded and the two of them left Harry who was still screaming about pomegranates.


	5. Mercutio the Dimension Jumping Witch

"Thank you everyone for coming," said Harry to the DA. They were all, gathered in the Room of Requirement and waiting for him to explain today's lesson. "As you know, our job is to protect the world from the Frog," Harry continued. Most of the DA looked confused, but none of them said anything. "Now this is a noble goal, but there is a greater threat out there. What is it George?"

George put down his hand. "Is it pomegranates?" he asked.

"Exactly!" exclaimed Harry. "They're evil and they want to take over my dre-"

"-we will be fighting a Bogart today." Hermione interrupted.

"Hermione-"

"-no, Harry."

"But I have a slide show and everything."

"Harry, we're doing this."

"But I want to see the slide show!" called a voice from the DA.

"Don't encourage him, Lee," Hermione snapped at the twins' friend.

Lee shrugged. "Whatever."

Harry sighed. Why did Hermione have to take over the DA all the time? They were Harry's army. Ok, maybe they were Dumbledore's army, but Harry commanded them, so they were his army by proxy or something like that. That was how it worked, right?

Harry went over to sit by Ron as Hermione began to instruct the DA on how to dispel the Bogart. Ron was sitting with his arms crossed and had a grumpy expression on his face.

"What?" Harry asked after a few seconds.

"Malfoy's here," Ron hissed under his breath. "Why is Malfoy here?"

Harry rolled his eyes. He'd already explained this to Ron. Why was it so hard for him to remember? "I need to gain his trust," Harry explained. "He knows about the pomegranates."

"So you decided to invite him to our secret, illegal club that Umbridge specifically told us not to make?"

"It's a good idea, isn't it?" Harry smiled. He was a genius.

"No!"

"Stop talking about me."

Ron looked up to find Malfoy scowling down at him. "Piss off, Malfoy," he said.

"How you going to make me, Weasley?"

Ron stood up to punch Malfoy, but Harry grabbed his arm. "No," he said. "We need him."

"Harry, this isn't some stupid game. This had real consequences. What's going to happen when he goes running to Umbridge?"

"The pomegranates are not a game! Besides, he's already here. He won't be able to go tell The Frog because then he would be admitting he was out after hours, and, as we know, theirs is no worse crime than that."

"I can think of several," Ron counted.

"Then why were we always getting chased around the castle when we were out after hours, but when we drugged Crabbe and Goyle and stuffed them in a broom closet everyone was like "whatever"?"

"You were the ones that did that?" asked Malfoy angrily.

"We're still friends right?" asked Harry hopefully.

Ron smacked his forehead in frustration.

"We never were friends!" shouted Malfoy.

"Then why are you here? I have a friends only policy," said Harry triumphantly. Ha! He'd done it; he'd played his trump card.

Malfoy opened his mouth, but Ron stopped him. "Don't argue. It'll only get worse, and then I'll have to deal with it."

"God, he really is mental."

"Yep."

"Yes, Ron!" Harry interjected gleefully. "Become his friend too! Then we'll get twice as much information on the pomegranates!" He had a mad look in his eyes as he touched his fingertips together creating the classic images of a crazy person.

"It doesn't work that way!"

"Of course it does!"

"Hermione! Hermione take him away!" Ron pleaded.

Hermione looked up from where she was still trying to get Neville to pronounce 'ridickoulous' correctly.

"Fine," she said. "Harry come over here and do a demonstration."

Harry nodded. He liked doing Defense Against the Dark Arts stuff. He walked over to the cabinet the Bogart was in and took out his wand. He was ready. He already knew what would come out of the cabinet; a Dementor. Harry almost laughed at the prospect. Dementors weren't remotely scary to him anymore. He had this in the bag.

He nodded to Hermione and she opened the cabinet.

Out sailed a gondola with a young man in the back. He looked about Harry's age, but he was dressed as if he was from the 16th century and had two silver wings sprouting from his back. On the bench of the gondola was another teenager also dressed in 16 century clothes. This on held a frog in his hand. The rest of the boat's space was occupied by what looked like at least a hundred pomegranates. The all had black, beady, little eyes and carried various weapons. Harry saw machetes, forks, paper shredders, and even a yoyo. He recognize the people in the gondola instantly.

"You!" Harry cried stepping forward and brandishing his wand at them menacingly.

The young man in the back laughed and said something, but Harry couldn't hear the words.

"Don't try to trick me!" Harry screamed. "I know what you are!" He tried to be brave, but he was very scared. There was just one thing missing to make this his worst nightmare.

The man just smiled good naturally and pulled a crow out of his pocket.

Harry's eyes widened and he took a step back. The Bogart had done it. It had put everything he most feared in the same place. He took another step back as terror coursed though him. He couldn't do it. It was too much for him.

"Ridikolous!" Hermione shouted behind him.

The gonadal and its occupants were replaced with a bowl of oatmeal.

Hermione frowned. "That's strange," she muttered, but was interrupted by Harry's laughter.

"Ha, ha, ha. You suck," he told the oatmeal. "You take forever to make and when you're done, no one eats you because you taste so bad. Then you get left out and harden onto the bowl which makes people mad. Then you need to be soaked in water for hours which just makes people madder! Your life is such a tragedy! It's hilarious!" Harry had to wipe tears of laughter out of his eyes.

Hermione and Ron had to pull Harry away into a corner because he was laughing too hard.

"Ginny, you're in charge!" Hermione called over her shoulder.

"So, what's the deal with the gondola?" asked Malfoy walking up to the trio.

Harry immediately stopped laughing and his expression turned serious. "It basically just a fancy canoe, and I hate canoes!"

The three others just looked confused.

"What about the guys in the gondola?" Malfoy asked after a moment.

"Draco," Hermione said. "These are Harry's worst fears. Would you really want to talk about your worst fears?"

Malfoy shrugged. "Just curious."

"Curiosity killed the cat," Harry said darkly. "Then again, Schrödinger says the cat's alive and the cat's dead, so maybe the cat's really ok."

Ron just shook his head. "I understood none of that."

"The man is in the back of the gondola was Mercutio," Harry said to Malfoy.

"Mercutio?"

"Yes! Mercutio the Dimension Jumping Witch!"

Malfoy's brow furrowed and he frowned. "What?" he asked in a tone of disbelief.

"Yes! Why do you think Mercutio dies off stage? He can't be killed with a simple blade to the stomach! He's part fairy."

Ron and Malfoy didn't seem to be getting it.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "He's not part fairy," she said.

"Then why does he know so much about them?" Harry counter. "He's obviously one of the Fae Folk."

"He still died though."

"No! Benvolio just said he did. He's clearly an accomplice. Mercutio could see that the world was going to hell around him and knew it was time to fake his death. He's obviously been jumping from dimension to dimension ever since. He was originally from Hamlet, but he must have learned how from those witches making him a witch too. He's a dimension jumping witch!"

"What proof do have of this?" Hermione asked angrily.

Harry frowned slightly. "I'm thinking," he said.

"Why do you care, Hermione?" Ron asked. "You know rule one for dealing with mental!Harry is just go along with all his crazy theories."

" _Romeo and Juliet_ was one of my favorite books when I was a kid," Hermione defended.

"I've got it!" said Harry snapping his fingers. "Axel! He was a fan favorite who "died" in a fight to protect his friend. Axel is really Mercutio."

"I don't know who that is." Hermione said.

"Ah, darn it! That's from the future," Harry suddenly said. He looked upset. "Does it have to be from present time?"

"You can see the future?" asked Ron incredulously.

"Yeah," said Harry dismissively. Ever since he'd seen the pomegranates for what they were, he'd been able to also see the future and even go to it whenever he wanted, but he hadn't thought it important, so he didn't mention it.

"What's it like?" asked Ron.

"I don't know," said Harry. "I mostly just watch television and play videogames when I go there."

"You go there?"

"Where do you think I got the Hades kid?" Harry asked annoyed. He shook his head. Seriously. His friends obsessed over the weirdest things. He ignored the stunned looks on his friends' faces and began humming happily as he watched the DA fight the Bogart.

 **AN: This was such a fun chapter to write. I just went crazy with all the references.**


	6. zombies, fanfiction, and homework

**AN: It's Harry's birthday today!**

"Hey Harry."

Harry looked up from the story he'd been reading.

"Hello," he said to Ron who had come up from behind him.

"Are you busy?" Ron asked.

Harry considered the question. He did have a lot going on. He had to plan out more traps for the pomegranates and The Frog. He was also planning on starting a new religion as well as expanding Tolkienism. Malfoy still was ignoring him, which wasn't good and he'd just found this story in the Room of Requirement and it was proving very interesting. If it had been any other person, besides Hermione, Harry would have said he needed to be left alone, but Ron was his friend. So Harry shook his head.

"Great," said Ron sitting down next to him. He took a piece of parchment out of his bag. "I know you're mental now, but this paper is for Trelawney, so it probably won't make much of a difference. Ok," he pointed at a section of the paper. "Does this make sense to you? I don't know. It seems a little off to me."

Harry read the section.

"Hmm," he said after a while. "It feels like the sides are missing."

Ron frowned and titled his head slightly. "Pardon?"

"Well when most papers feel like they're in nice neat little boxes. Some of them have ribbons on them depending on how good the paper is. They all come in varying crampness. Some are really airy and fun to read, but others are all cramped up and dusty. Those are usually grey. They're very tedious to read," Harry explained. "Your paper," he pointed at it "It feels like the sides have been ripped out. The top and bottom of the box are there, but the sides are gone and the words are outlined with marker or something leaving more of a wavy shape," Harry shrugged. "It feels unfinished."

Ron furrowed his brow. "I think I'm more lost than before. I'm going to ask Hermione."

Harry frowned. "I'm helpful!" he pouted.

"No mate, you're mental."

"That's a matter of perspective."

"Yeah…" Ron said nervously. He looked like he was going to get up and leave.

"Wait!" Harry said. "I can help you. I have an eraser in my bag."

Ron sighed. "Fine. Hermione hates Divination anyway."

Harry clapped his hands. Yes! He'd show those pomegranates just how smart he was. Oh yeah, and help Ron.

Harry dug around in bag. It was way too full, but Harry needed everything in it. It was much better to have something and not need it than need something and not have it. If it was up to him, Harry would carry a huge wagon around with everything he wanted, but he's been stopped by professor McGonagall the first day he'd tried that. Apparently, other students were complaining that he was taking up too much space and kept threatening them with objects from Harry's wagon. Harry had tried to defend himself by saying that the pomegranates were taking over, and they needed to be stopped at all costs even if it did mean a few innocents had to be sacrificed. It should be an honor to know they they had been part of such a noble movement. Why didn't they kids get that? Why couldn't they understand that if there was anything worth dying for it was this? Apparently not, and McGonagall had not been in the mood for Harry's speech and given him a detention for threatening others and having disturbing ideas. Was that a thing? Harry was dubious.

"What's taking so long?" Ron asked after a while.

"I can't find it," Harry said. "The pomegranates must have taken it!"

"I find that highly unlikely. You're bags stuffed. Just take some stuff out."

Harry was horrified. "No!"

"You can put it back later."

Harry was torn between wanting to help Ron and keeping his bug out bag in one piece. If he took something out there was a strong possibility that the pomegranates would jump on the opportunity and kidnap him. Or worse! He also might forget to put something back in his bag or loose it making it impossible for him to feel safe. Then again, if he couldn't find this magic eraser soon, Ron would probably leave. That meant that the pomegranates had won this battle. How were the pomegranates involved? Harry wasn't sure, but he knew they had to be even if they were just watching. He couldn't afford to show weakness.

"Ok," Harry said reluctantly. He pulled his new food processor out of his bag. "Hold this."

Ron reached out his hand to take it, but Harry stopped him. "Don't lose it," he said pointing his finger at him.

"Ok, ok," Ron reassured Harry as he took it.

Harry went back to emptying his bag. It was very nerve-racking, but at the same time, it made him feel strangely comforted. He had everything he absolutely needed right here.

"What's that for?" Ron asked as Harry pulled several rolls of duct tape out of his bag.

"So I can patch up the magical economy after the zombie apocalypse."

"Is it magic duct tape?" Ron asked. He sounded interested.

Harry shook his head. "No."

"Then why…" Ron trailed off.

"Duct tape has solved all my problems thus far. Why would it fail on me now?"

"I'm not even going to question," Ron said shaking his head.

"Good," Harry said. "Now let me get back to this."

Ron nodded and sat down in Harry's chair. He picked up the story Harry's been reading. "Do you mind?"

Harry shook his head. "No, go ahead."

Harry kept going through his bag. He hadn't been at it for thirty second before he was interrupted by Ron.

"What the bloody hell is this?!" he turned to Harry and shoved the story in his face. "This is awful! Half the words are misspelled!"

"It's funny; keeping reading," Harry excitedly. He was glad that Ron showed an interest in this awesome story he'd found. He put down the jar of canned dandelions he was holding and joined Ron, sitting down on the arm of his chair, so he could read over his shoulder.

"Wait? She goes to Hogwarts?" Ron shouted after a few more seconds.

"You see why it's funny now?" Harry said giggling. "We're in it!"

"What?"

"Well, kind of. I'm called Vampire and you're Diablo."

"What is this monstrosity?" Ron asked sounding horrified. He held the pages at arm length as if he thought they would bite him.

Harry laughed manically. "It's called fanfiction. This one's name's _My Immortal_."

Ron still looked horrified. "Who'd want to write fanfiction about us?" he asked after a while.

Harry shrugged. "Weirdos?"

Ron nodded. "Definitely."

"Keep reading," Harry urged.

Ron grumbled, but he kept reading. Harry picked up his food processor and read along. Ron seemed to be getting more and more annoyed. He kept shuddering and making small sounds of disgust as he read the next few chapters.

"I'm sorry, Harry. I can't do this anymore," he said throwing the paper down. "You're so out of character and I'm barely in it. Seriously, it's bad enough that people write fanfiction about us, but some of them can't even keep you in character. It's unforgivable!"

"But that's what makes it great!" Harry protested.

"Where did you even get this?" Ron asked.

"The Room of Requirement."

"What you do? Pace in front of it thinking "I need some really bad story with a bunch of spelling mistakes to read."?"

"No," said Harry huffily. "And I like it!" He looked down sadly at the papers on the floor.

"Fine, but promise me something."

Harry looked up from _My Immortal_. "What?" he asked.

"Never write fanfiction. I think I can handle the whole 'pomegranates are evil' thing, and 'The Frog is Umbridge' thing, and maybe even the 'we should make friends with Malfoy' thing, but I swear I'll crack if you start writing fanfiction."

Harry nodded. "I'm far too busy for that anyway. Don't worry. The pomegranates are taking all of my time."

Ron let out a sigh of relief. "Thank God. At least some good can come out of this."

 **AN: I don't own** _ **My Immortal**_ **, and I certainly don't hate it. My option on it is pretty close to Harry's here, but then again, I'm used to seeing characters OOC. I mean, I'm writing this, aren't I?**


	7. Better than all the CG

Harry bit his lip and looked around the great hall nervously. Everyone was there, he might as well do now. It was a big statement, but Harry knew he was the only one to do it. He was always confident. He'd just have to rely on that.

The Frog was making an announcement at the staff table, her bow bobbing as she talked. Harry glared at her and curled his hands into fists. He hated The Frog. She'd taken his salami!

" _No one takes things from Harry Potter!"_ he though angrily. Well, actually, a lot of people took things from him, but that really wasn't the point. Everyone else hated The Frog, so it was totally acceptable to cut into her boring presentation. Honestly, there weren't even pickled plums in it. What a waste of his time.

Harry took a deep breath, stood up, ignored the whispered protest of his friends, and set off down the staff table.

"I would like to announce that I have another new rule," said The Frog. "No music is to be pla—"

"Yeah, that's great," Harry cut in walking up to the staff table. "But I have something more important to say."

The Frog looked horrified that he'd interrupted her speech. She put her hand to her heart in shock. Harry guesses that this was the first time a student had interrupted her while she was talking.

Harry looked out into the crowed Great Hall. Everyone was silent, waiting for him to talk.

"I would just like to say, that I'm the model student," Harry began. "I'm well protected from the pomegranates, I constantly inform those more ignorant than me, I'm prepared for pretty much every situation, and I _almost_ cured world hunger."

"You're also completely mental!" came a voice from the Gryffindor table.

Harry ignored the comment that he was sure was from Lee Jordan. "So," he continued. "I think that I am most qualified to be the school squid."

Silence.

Harry took a deep breath. Of course, this was what he'd been expecting. They didn't trust him. He had to convince them, and fast, or they'd give the job to another person.

"I'd do a really good job," Harry assured the Great Hall. "I don't have six arms, but I'd try. I'd make a really, really god squid. Much better than all those crappy CG squids. Please, just give me a chance to show how squidy I can be."

"Potter, we already have a squid," said Professor McGonagall.

Harry shook his head. "Two things. First," he held up one finger "That's the _lake_ squid. I want to be the _school_ squid. Second," he held up another finger "That squid's obviously in league with the pomegranates; it can't be trusted. Now, who would you want taking care of all your squidly duties? Some real squid who's a double agent and can backstab you at any time, or me who has proven himself loyal beyond a shadow of a doubt to the school."

"The squid doesn't do anything to benefit the school. It just sits there," The Frog chimed in.

"Exactly!" Harry beamed. "The lazy slacker."

"Potter, go back to your seat and do not trouble me with your ludicrous ideas any longer," The Frog said.

"Fine," Harry grumbled, a bit embarrassed he'd been rejected, and no doubt watched by the pomegranates, in front of the whole school. He pointed menacingly at The Frog. "But I'm onto you."

Harry didn't show it, but he'd been pretty crushed. Being the school squid would have given him control over the sheeople that populated Hogwarts. More importantly, once the pomegranates saw that he was in a position of power, they'd give up tormenting him and go away.

Harry walked past his seat and continued out of the Great Hall. He couldn't quite face all of the people now that he failed. Not yet, anyway. It was times like this when he needed guidance the most. Harry decided that it was time to talk to Quirrell.

Harry walked out of the castle and headed out to the grounds. The cool air helped clear his head. It removed the embarrassment from his cheeks and replaced it with wind chill. Harry sighed and continued into the forbidden forest. A few feet in, Harry stopped in front of a tree.

"Hello," he said to Quirrell.

Quirrell swayed angrily at him. "Go away."

"Please," said Harry sitting down next to him. "How much longer are you going to be mad at me for killing you that one time?"

Quirrell dropped a few red leaves on Harry's head. "Let's see, how much longer am I going to be a tree? Forever? I guess I can be mad at you forever then."

Harry frowned. Why was it his fault that Quirrell had been reincarnated as a tree? That was his fault. Harry had found him, cared for him, talked to him, cared for him. Quirrell owed him a lot.

"I need your help," Harry pleaded. "I have a problem."

"Me too. I've got an annoying boy talking to me when I already told him clearly to go away."

Harry waved him off. "You're funny, but he don't have time for games."

Quirrell swayed again. "If I could kill you, I would. You're the worst person I've ever met. Do realize, how boring it is to be a tree?"

Harry nodded. "Yes, I spent an entire week as a gorse bush once. Long story, don't ask, but back to the topic at hand. The whole school thinks I'm an idiot now, and they won't elect me. Then the pomegranates will have succeeded and I won't get a good job!"

"I don't remember saying that I cared," Quirrell remarked. "And don't lean against me like that."

"Come on," Harry persisted. "You're smart."

"Not smart enough to keep myself from getting possessed."

"Voldemort can be very convincing," Harry said. "And yes, that is how you pronounce it. Without the "t"."

Quirrell sighed. "Will you go away if I give advice?"

Harry nodded earnestly.

"Just don't care. Ignore to pomegranates and they'll go away."

Harry gaped. "That was the worst advice ever. Of all time. No wonder you're a teacher. I am highly offended!" He stood up and brushed the leaves off of him.

"I guess I'm on my own," he said to himself as he walked up to Hogwarts. "That's ok; I can do it. I'm the chosen one. I can do anything."

"Why are you talking to yourself, Potter?" Came a drawling voice from behind the door to the entrance. Draco Malfoy emerged from behind it.

"Ooh! You came to visit me!" Harry exclaimed happily. "Be my friend?"

"What? No. I came out to practice Quidditch."

"With me?"

"No!"

"We could have a scrimmage match. You and me against Mercutio and Benvolio."

"What?"

"It'll be fun."

"No!"

"At least help me design boots for, my new religion."

"Leave me alone!"


End file.
